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this is...uncomfortable [14 Apr 2005|01:11am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

"look im srry that i havent called you im nerves of calling you ok so dont take it that i dont care for you ok there is still 'love' in me for you ok but call me ok if you dont have my number its 1718******* ok"

bryan was my first kiss. which didnt mean anything to me, still really doesnt when i think about it. he was a horrible kisser, and tried to use tongue the first time. he's kenny's nephew who i met through josephine, which is how we met kenny. me and bryan use to "go out" i suppose. we went to rye playland together once, which was a catastrophy and we hung out in the park near my abuela's house once. that's about all the times we went out, so yeah. not much of a realtionship going there. specially since i always loved...well i loved kenny. liked bryan, loved kenny. that's how it always was.

odd thing is, i knew he liked me, but jeez not like this. he even use to say, we never really went out. and i hate to say it but i never really thought much of him. not in the off handed, "if he dies i dont care" way. but in the way that he's a guy i use to know. jeez, i dont have the heart to tell him i forgot he said he was going to call. that it wasnt a big deal...yeah i starred out his number b/c...well...bad enough i'm putting the actual email in a public domain, i shouldnt go the extra way and fucking post his number.

anyway, i feel sorta mad. off handedly bad. bryan is NOT my type. he doesnt have a strong character. like, not to be self centered sounding or anything, i over power him when we're together. he's too meek. and when he tries to bring himself up so that it doesnt seem that way, so that i'm not uncomfortable, it goes horribly wrong. like in rye. dont feel like going over it now. maybe later.

creepy thing is, this guy possibly, since i was in around 2000 or so, has remembered and thought of me as something. and, possibly, that i think of him as something too. it's not that i dont like him. i just dont like him in that sort of way. and he can never hold a candle within 50 miles of john. i dont like him that way then or now. am i such a bad person for that?

but who am i to say? maybe he changed, maybe he didnt. i dont think her did. but you never kno, right?

1 confession confess to your goddess

[03 Apr 2005|07:32pm]
yeah, il papa died...bless his soul. i forgot what day of mourning we're in, but there are suppose to be 9 of them. lets see, he died yesterday, so we are in day two or one. i think two...i'm pretty sure two...

anyway the same day the papa died, i went out with linda and her sister in law vanessa. vanessa is cool peoples. very cool peoples. i think i found a new person to add to my posse. as of now, my posse is very big. ^_-

yeah, we laughed till we cried and had a great time. we need to do that again. if i dont get killed black friday (aka parent teacher conference) i want to see if we can go out to cafe lalo's.

yeah well mom just said to get off the comp, so i will. later people!!!
confess to your goddess

[02 Apr 2005|03:09pm]
hail mary
full of grace
the lord is with thee
blessed art thou amongst women
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb Jesus
holy Mary, mother of God
pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death


RIP Pope John Paul II
confess to your goddess

[17 Mar 2005|01:44am]
i'm starting to realize that when i type things here, i tend to be able to think them out. so let me think this out.

for some odd reason, no not an odd reason. a very plausible reason why i call john as much as i do is because i'm uhappy where i am. where he is seems to be a happy place, or at least a place i want to be. so i guess i call so much because i want to somehow, in some pathetic way be a part of what he is, what he has to be exact. i guess another reason is because i admire him so damn much. i wish i could be as smart as he is, to just be able to not be me for a while. someone who can control their actions and be...someone who doesnt have to have attention all the time.

i like being desired, i love being loved. i love when someone says that they missed me and hugs me tight. i love being wanted. i love being loved and needed and desired. i love it when guys say that they want me, that they think about me all the time and that they love me, which, just for the record is something john would never do. he doesnt love me. and when i say that, it's that...it's that i want a boyfriend. i want someone who i could just go over to their place and cuddle and hold and smile at happily. but that's stupid. i could do that with john now. but you know what the difference between that and what i want is? it's the feeling that he wouldnt do this with anyone else. it's the feeling that i'm special. that i'm sharing with him a moment that cannot be (on either side) recreated with anyone else.

as far as i know, that saying holds true for me, at least so far it does. but...i dont know. he always says that what he does for me he would do for any other of his female friends. i guess that's it. it's that i hold no standing of importance in the larger scheme of things to him. the talk of marriage and stuff? deep inside i know he's saying it to make me feel better. like everything else he does. like when he kisses me, when he hugs me. and there is nothing wrong with the intention. nothing at all. it's just that, it' empty. to me it's empty because he's not doing it out of love. no, he is. a better way to put it is that i know he wouldnt do those things, the hugging and kissing, if i were ok.

he says he means the marriage thing though. but i think he knows its not going to happen, and is sorry he ever mentioned it to me. i'm an idiot is what. i'm too stupid to leave him the hell alone. poor man doesnt need some idiotic hormonal emotionally stumped GIRL, not woman, bothering him because she's unhappy with her life and therefore has to bother him during his own. we're not going to get married and i'm not going to have my kids. i'm not going to be Mrs. anything and now i'm fucking crying. i cant even make out what the fuck i'm typing. i'm such an fucking moron.

i should get over it. no kids, no husband, no nothing. just be happy to be single and by myself. oh but i'll always have john there to make me better. i'll always have john to tell me how brilliant i am and how i'm not stupid and not a moron. he's always take time to talk to me from his job and invite me to his kid's parties becaue they love their aunt raquel. and at the parties he'll make me smile and say you're a beautiful brilliant woman and you'll find the one.


i cant think of anything else to say. i've cried my eyes out over the laptop and my eyes are hurting. all i can think about is how horrible i am. especially my writing. they wanted me to revamp this old story i wrote when i was ten...well maybe not ten. but i was pretty damn young. at least in 6th which would have made me around 11, 12 years old. anyway i read john the old verison and in a few words he slammed it down as being horrible. i threw the shit out and i'm never gonna look at it again. furthermore i'm gonna tell them i wont have it in print. i was stupid to think i was good enough to put anything in the paper. it's horrible. a stupid cliche story that's nothing more than teen fiction fodder, and i refuse to have my name attacted to it. who the fuck am i kidding? i'm just another punk rock wanna be writer. as cliche as the american image of mom and apple pie. i suck. i wont ever write again. i'm horrible and nothing i do is good. so i should just stop.

the funny thing is a fairly large amount of people say that i have potential and that my stories and writing is good. but i dont care what they say. it's never going to be good enough and i shouldnt entertain foolish thoughts of ever being published.

i should...no i am going to stop talking to john. i'm just a waste of his time. i'm not important and dont even messure on his rating scale of people who count. i should just fade away and his life would be just a littl bit better. he wont waste time talking to me for one. and he's family would be better off too. i keep on forgetting he's not my age, and that, as uncomprehensible as it is, his family all go to sleep at ten. they have to be at least fucking as annoyed as fuck with me. i shouldnt even go saturday. i really want to. i got him this birthday card with bush sr and bush jr on it. the quote inside doesnt match him though. it's a quote that reads "i once heard that anyone could become president, and i'm believing it more every term." i was gonna white it out and write him a message. i might as well mail it now. i want to go though. because this time i'm really gonna say good bye. a birthday gift i guess. i got him one less annoyance in his life.

it's stupid to say it, because i've said it so many times, but i love him. i can really say he's someone i would do anything for. christsake, he's one of the very few people i listen to when they tell me something. my parents cant even do that...i love him but i dont deserve to be talking to him. so after saturday he'll be rid of me. and that's that.
confess to your goddess

dougy is gay? [09 Mar 2005|08:48pm]
[ mood | okay ]

i dont know if i'm spelling this guy's name right, but dougy houser MD is gay. me and linda were talking on the train a few days ago and we mentioned the part where he is in harold and kumar go to white castle. we laughed and mentioned how he driving the car with the strippers and snorting coke off of them was frigging hystarical, which it still is. anyway i noticed him look over, but i ignored him since alot of ppl do that to me and linda since we tend not to care what other ppl think of what we say alot of the time. (hey, we're never gonna see these ppl ever again, so why care what we say in front of them right?)

anyway, when his stop comes up he steps up tp us and says that dougy is his NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR! the guy smiled b/c i thought that i was awesome. and then he bent down and said, well dont tell anyone that you heard it from me, but the guy is gay. and me and linda didnt believe him. i asked if he was serious, and he said yeah, the guy's gay. he talks to him and everything. thought i'd share it with the world. in case anyone else asks.

i pretty much think the guy was telling the truth. he was an older man and there seemed to be the general agreement that he was gay as well. pretty much b/c gay ppl tend to be friendly and forth coming with info like that. which is why i hang out at the center for about an hour every week. just b/c they're cool and the atmosphere is so loose. no one judges and everyone can be themselves. it's pretty awesome.

anyway, Gabe's BREATHING is getting on my nerves, so i might have to stop it sooner or later. preferably sooner.

loves always,

confess to your goddess

oh boy... [02 Mar 2005|03:50am]
hello i might as well put in m livejournal the events of the past two days...

alright i'm not going to go into details, but monday me and gabriel anthony...
god i really dont want to mention this in my livejournal, but everyone who (i know) reads this already knows what has passed so let me just put it down.

me and gabriel did it monday. no going to go into major details. not gonna say whether he was great or good or sucked or whatever. i really am trying not to remember anything. it use to be i didnt remember AT ALL but after a few hours sleep it's starting to be able to come to me whenever i think about it. and i dont want that in my head at the time.

john wants to kill him and linda is going to pretend like it never happened. i want to take linda's approach, but right now am 100% with john on this matter. and i dont know why. i mean, from what (i dont want to to) remember, i didnt say no. although looking back i know if i would have thought it through i would have said no. no no a 1000 times no. and so on and so forth.

the whole matter happened that we were flirting alot and then we went to hang out in the basement, and then one thing led to another. and one thing led to another during a discussion of heartbreaks and what makes us fall in love. his eyes were just...it was like he wasnt there. at all. you couldnt see him in his eyes. we were talking and then i mentioned something he came down and kissed me. just out of the blue. and we sat there on the floor holding eachother's hands, fingers laced, and looking at eachother and both kissing and talking. i mean and after that, until when i woke up this morning, it was all a blur.

i told Gabriel about this. this gabriel is a friend of mine, and NOT the same one who i was with on minday. so to avoid confusion, this one is gonna have a M after his name, b/c his last name is Mato.

anyway i told a good portion of this to GabrielM, leaving out things that i didnt want to tell him just b/c he's that kind of guy. but i told him enough and he got the idea. he just looked at me and then began to rag on me saying "but how can you do it with him?" but somehow he just stopped after looking at me. i guess he could tell i felt bad about it so left me alone.

this was during 5th period gym class. the period before that was my lunch period. i was in the library with Maribeth, one of the only other ppl i told, when Gabriel walked in. i had been telling maribeth that i really didnt want to see him today, yesterday, whatever. anyway for the first 10 minutes or so i kept looking at the door, wishing that he wouldnt come in. after getting over that i calme down, and sat behind the library counter talking to maribeth as she shelved books and all. then, just to reassure myself this guy wasnt gonna come in, i saw him come in.

i reverted my eyes to the spot of desk in front of me, where i had john's book, Blue Nowhere, opened up. he didnt come over right away, but before he did, maribeth took her place in front of me, and smiled. she knew i didnt want to be alone when he came in and she stood there. good of her to do that.

anyway he had come, and almost lovingly, well it's not fair to say almost. he did lovingly put his arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. we exchanged a few words, which i wont share here, and he treated me as if i were, well not his girl. just treated me kinder and nicer. like i was an old chum or, well something more. he was reverant is what would be the most accurate way of saying it. he wasnt to touchy and he wasnt molesting me as he usually does. ^^; he was just nicer and gentler to me. and i like the change of pace but the cost was entirely too high.

Gabe and put in me a sense of security, false as it was, and the flaseness of it was pointed out to me when i talked to GabrielM. anyway, toward the end of gym i was feeling pretty bummy to say the least. so i went to this remote corner of the gym and watched GabrielM and them play volleyball. after a short while, gabrielM came and sat next to me. he was out of breathe and panting b/c of the little workout he had just endured, but he was able to pant out "i'm to tell you something and i'm going to try to make this short. on the count that i just finished playing this game over there and my asthma is gonna kick in."

i let him catch his breathe b/c i wonder what the hell he had to say to me. not only was i in a bummy mood, i felt pissy. anyway after a second gabrielM told me something that made me feel totally better. well not totally but worked alot better than plotting revenge or trying to deny the whole thing:

he sat there, this guy who says he doesnt give two shit about me, and says that i shouldnt feel ashamed or depressed about anything that happened between me and Gabe. he put it like this. he said to imagine john meeting my dad. and john is doing this after having a bad day. lets say something like him getting into an arguement over his nationality and/or religion. how they're both steriotypically tied together. while talking to my dad, my dad makes some comment about the same topic that john had not to long ago got into a very heated arguement over. according to gabrielM, and just common sense, john would get very uppity, if not utterly and totally upset about it.

now it's not b/c of what my dad said that john would be angry at my dad, it would be b/c of the previous engagement that had set john up to be especially and abnormally hostile toward comments or jokes of this nature.

now yes this is going somewhere, just wait for it.

the way GabrielM saw it was that was what happened between me and the other Gabriel. the topic of conversation was touching on a raw nerve that Gabriel had. the topic of loss and love and how you could still love someone but how painful it was to let go. and whether i knew it or not, the same thing was happening with me. to make things short. emotions were brought up and otherwise wouldnt have been normally brought up. and sometimes, these emotions are so powerful, that you wind up doing things that you otherwise, your normal self wouldnt do. like john wouldnt (i imagine) in a normal setting under normal conditions snap at my dad; me and Gabe wouldnt have done what we did.

GabrielM wasnt holding anyone accountable. which makes sense the more i think about it. b/c Gabe, after it was done, seemed as quiet as i was and still sorta am. it was in a setting and within conditions that wouldnt have normally happened. that impossiblity that people always mention? "oh i'd never do so-and-so, and he'd never do me. the circumstances would never be right." well guess what, they were. and it happened. and (according to GabeM) i cant go around blaming myself, OR him, for what happened. it's in the past and that's where its going to stay. it was a slim to none event that turned out to be slim instead of none. the best thing to do was to take it in strides. just be thankful that gabe wasnt the kind of person to go around the school bragging.

i didnt think Mato gave a shit about me. but turns out that he's not such a bad guy at all. he's there when i need him and that's what counts. over and out.
confess to your goddess

well...i guess today wasnt so bad... [26 Feb 2005|03:51pm]
[ mood | worried ]

except that linda didnt show up for brunch today at the place across the street from me, but that's a story i dont feel like going into.

this book, The Blue Nowhere, has got me creeped out. there's this virus...well not virus. if you want to be techincal it's call a computer "demon" but we're not going to get into techicalities. (probably spelt horribly wrong) anyway it's a tracker virus that this hacker who calls himself Phate uses to get into ppls computers and track them down. he does this so he can play this real life verison of this demented game called Access.

Access is a game where people lead everyday lives. Mothers, fathers, students, politicans, teachers...basically jobs that people in this reality can attain. anyway, the twisted part is that everyone gets a number. and on the anniversary of a famous killing (ie jfk's killing and other violent assasinations or killings or whatever) a number is randomly selected by a generator and the person's number who is picked has a week to kill as many people as he or she can. the catch is that they have to kill the person by stabbing them in the heart. close contact kills only. the harder it was to get close to that person the more points you got.

in the book the killer does this in real life, and has created his own computer virus to pick people out for him to kill. they mention that the only signs that allow you to know that the virus has targeted you and that he's watching u is that you're keyboard isnt reacting normally, the screen gets slightly fuzzy, and your computer does things on its own.

to get to the point either i'm completely paranoid that and this person has just randomly IMed me and is being ENTIRELY too nice...we're talkin about poems...and just stuff...this is odd. in case anything happens to me...oh fuck it. i'm being paranoid.

i shall update later. farewell.

confess to your goddess

[19 Feb 2005|12:04am]
nothing really happening around her. my mom found out i cut english class but doesnt know i cut school entirely. i wanted to cut soon but john'll slit my throat if i do. i mean...i know i shouldnt but i just want to go out like any other teenager. what's so wrong with that? i dont think there's anything wrong with that. is there anything wrong with that?

i went out with lenny wednsday. he was cool. i thought he would try and do something but he's sticking with his girl. you know he's not as bad as jayson is making him out to be. but it's nice to find out that lenny isnt as bad as i thought he was. he's actually quite nice. and he has some pretty good jokes on jay. turns out i would rather hang with lenny than jay. b/c lenny knows how to talk. and just do that. jayson just wants to get blown...


now that john is reading my journal i shall not put naything personal in it. yeah right. i have no tact. i put down everything. anyway...

yeah i shall say it again. i miss my john-john. i want to see him. i miss looking into his eyes and i miss cuddling with him. i also miss some other things but i'll be nice and not mention that. ^_^

night people. night john.
confess to your goddess

a taste of some of my convos w/ john: edited for our privacy thank you... [16 Feb 2005|01:52am]
ROXY4658: anyway, how was ur day my love?

GandalfLOR: well, i just read your blog.
GandalfLOR: the day went well.

ROXY4658: lol yeah it(the blog) serves its purpose

GandalfLOR: granted, i should stop reading yuor blog bc it makes u look as emotionally stable as a bipolar on acid, but anyway...

ROXY4658: lol yeha i was about to apologize for saying that i

GandalfLOR: that you hoped i read it and died?

ROXY4658: yeah lol
ROXY4658: but i did give you some glowing reviews lol

GandalfLOR: when you don't want my dick on your wall
GandalfLOR: anyway, don't take this as coralation being causation, but i've got to sleep soon

ROXY4658: i understand
ROXY4658: and i wouldnt put it on my wall
ROXY4658: i'd make a replica of it in blue rubber and keep it under my pillow
ROXY4658: lol
ROXY4658: i love you

GandalfLOR: i love you too...

*granted this is the edited version of the ENTIRE conversation, but this little bit was funny, so i copy and pasted it...love u john

PS- yeah when he saying he has to go to bed soon, i have no clue what those c words mean either...
confess to your goddess

i have no luck... [14 Feb 2005|04:31am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

yeah talked to luis none but maybe 15 minutes ago and i WAS gonna go see him today and do somethings...*cough*

OKAYOKAY!! yes i know i promised john that i wouldnt but i'm so fucking lonely!! yes i have linda and gabriel(midget white humps everything that has a vagina one) and irrany and bronson and gabriel (tall dark breakdacning asian loving one) and meika and so and and so forth but I WANT JOHN!!

damn, damn, damn...i've grown accustom to his face...

this isnt fair! i mean, i'm in a lose-lose situation here, which sucks ass. oh but i'm sorta happy that he's not taking time out of his work so that he can see me. cause that shows he's serious about his work, which is a good quality. you know, dedication and the fact he knows what's important. BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!!! arent i important?!?! i dont even want to do anything like that i just want to have my John!!! i'm going to be sobbing all day tommorrow about this and i'm going to wind up acting like a horrible bitch that no one is gonna be able to stand. then when no one can stand me and they leave me alone i'm going to cey and then one or more of them will feel bad and come over and the cycle will happen AGAIN!

WHY CAN'T I SEE HIM!!! *sobs uncontrolably*

i'm pretty sure i pissed someone off up there. actually, i'm hell sure of it. i'm sure i did something to piss someone off. i just know it. *sigh* when is this term paper gonna be over? i wanna go see john. i really do. or at least i dont want him to be so tired and irratated. i like when he's happy and laughing and jovial. he's so great when he's like that. and i mean, i still like him when he's like the way he is now, but it's just not him.

he says different, but i dont think that the way he is now is his natural self.

i wish he would stress so much. it'll be his downfall it really will. i forsee a MAJOR MELTDOWN in the john's emotional rollercoaster forcast. well not really a rollercoaster, b/c he hates those things. (can u believe that?) more like, a corwded bus ride through pot hole infested streets. ah well i need to go now. i have things to do. like set this computer so mom cant tell i reestablished my account. yeah and clean my room real quick. lol yeah shit like that.

happy valentine's day people. lots of love for you and yours

confess to your goddess

YES!!! GREENDAY WON!!! [14 Feb 2005|01:08am]
OH FUCK YEAH!! Green Day won the Grammy for best rock album!! i'm fucking stoked, to put it bluntly. ^_^

anyway i think my card to john got lost in the mail. fuck damnit! i hope it gets there tommorrow. cause if it gets there after valentine's day that's gonna suck something bad. i mean, it'll just suck and take all the meaning out of it. sorta how i got my madrina sonia's xmas card in mid january. it sorta just took all the meaning out of it, although u know it's there. it's just not the same you know?

btw, i wonder where the fuck linda went friday. i saw her outside my classroom third period, but next period (when we have lunch together) she was no where to be found. wonder what happened...
confess to your goddess

oopsies [03 Feb 2005|10:48am]
made myslef an account on my mom's comp and now it signs onto my name. if mom cant get it back to her's imma laugh my ass off. well, that is if i surrivie the beating lol. yeah nothing much there in any case. all my updates will be made in the library from now on so...yeah. that's most likely.

oh well tty people later!
confess to your goddess

oh i give up [03 Feb 2005|03:14am]
i give up all hopes of ever getting john to love me. fuck him. fuck the fact that he's right about everything, and fuck everything else i cant think to say right now. i want him to die and stop being so...so...so HIMSELF! fucking philosiphy classes fucked everything up. i give up. i give up i give up i give up!!!!!!

he's never going to love me and this shit sucks. fuck it. i never win. i hope he reads this and dies. not dies b/c he reads this b/c he has no sympathy for this irrational crap. damnit. i fucked shit up for voicing some stupid feelings that i had that went away right afterward. fuck this...i hate this.

confess to your goddess

nothings really changes [02 Feb 2005|08:59pm]
i like my new schedule, i really do. i like my fourth period lunch cause i get to hang with linda and gabriel anthony so it's not all that bad. that and i have gym right afterward so it's not so bad. today wasnt so bad really. it was an okay day. i wonder if john's ok. well...he's stressed i know that much. i hope he's doing fine with that paper though. term paper that is. i worry sometimes you know. and i feel shitty cause i dont feel as if i can make him feel better, you know, less stressed. shitty. i wish i can make him feel better when i talk to him.

ah well, you know. that sorta thing happens. i shouldnt stress about it. i have other things to worry about. school for one. lol school and school work and all of the related things therein. yeah, i shouldnt be worrying about john too much, i really shouldnt. but i do. and that's how it is. that's how i am ya know?

i should really learn not to.
confess to your goddess

fun on thursday [28 Jan 2005|08:43pm]
went to cafe lalo and the museum thursday. you can only guess with who...

we had fun, but it was really sorta odd. i think he read my live journal b/c he said "i love you", more that i can ever recall him saying. and when we came out of the museum, for some unremembered reason, he just looked at me and said "i love you, honest i do." oh but he was so tired, bendito. (did i spell that right? lord i suck at spelling)he stopped and said something about it not sounding sencere b/c he was tired, and repeated it again, but i couldnt tell the difference.

oh but it was really sweet. we watched this thing narrated by Maya Angelou.(by the way, she sounded retarded. maya, stay to reading poetry hun) it was about the big bang theory. there was this line that stated "then there was the appearance of intellegent life on earth", or some such. anyway, i was leaning over the bar, with him next to me, and i lifted my head up to whisper in his ear "so much for intellegent life". i didnt think he heard me, or he didnt think it was funny. so i leaned back down and coddled his hand and watched the lights flash and swirl in this bowl they had set up.

next thing i know, he leans down next to my ear and whispers "you're here arent you?"

sometimes i think he's just someone in my head that i made up, and that i'm suffering from some severe mental trama. then again, as he would say, "you're not that lucky".

hmm, i'm talking entirely too much about him...maybe i should cut back on that...
2 confessions confess to your goddess

yeah well... [26 Jan 2005|04:15pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

i talked to John last night about what i was thinking about. and i sort of regret it now, because as soon as i got it off my chest i didnt feel that way anymore. or at least not as strongly. but i least i found out one thing. all of the things that we did, the kissing and such, really didnt mean anything to him. or at least it seems that way.

bottom line is that he doesnt love me, but he does care for me. which, i understand but it is sorta of confusing. and i guess it hurts too. but i've been hurt so many times that i really am just sitting here like "wow, that really fucking hurts" and just going along my buisness. but to put things in perspective, it basically seeems as if he was saying that he did all these things because it made me feel better, and that it didnt mean anything to him. that he just did it to make me feel better. and i mean...i guess the gesture is appreciated, but it defeats the purpose that i thought he was kissing me because he at least LIKED me like that. him doing it to make me feel better, might work at the time yeah, but looking back and realizing that that was the case just makes all those actions null and void, see? i dont know. i want to ask him if that's the case, cause if it is i'm going to have a very big problem with it. a HUGE problem. i mean...i know he's compentant enough to undstand that concept, isnt he? but maybe he was too busy trying to make me happy right then to think about later....

confess to your goddess

Confised beyond words...i want to cry... [25 Jan 2005|08:21pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

Hello, I've waited here for you...Everlong...Tonight,I throw myself into and out of the red. Out of her head, she sang, "Come down, and waste away with me...Down with me..."

Slow, how you wanted it to be. I'm over my head. Out of her head she sang, "And I wonder, when I sing along with you...If everything could ever feel this real forever...If anything could ever be this good again...

"The only thing I'll ever ask of you, you've got to promise not to stop when I say when." She sang...

Oh i love that song!!! It's my absolute FAV!!! It's by the Foo-Fighters, and it's called everlong, for those who didnt know. I think it makes a beautiful dialoge when typed out in it's non-lyrical form. Then again, i think it was meant to be a dialoge. In any case, i like it better when it's sung in the acustic version in any case...(wow my spelling is WAY off)

In any case shape or form, i guess my last update didnt go through...when i mentioned that John read my livejournal, and how i'm wondering how he even GOT my livejournal in the first place...the reason why i think i love him so much...whether i love him or not. cause to be honest, i've never loved anyone before, so i dont really know. but maybe i am...

that'd be odd. considering the age difference. i wonder if he would take me seriously. i wonder if he even takes me seriously NOW. he most likely doesnt. and i wouldnt balme him. to him i'm just a stupid little kid, who's rendered to tears whenever i'm with him...it's stupid. i cry when i'm with him, but i'm not said. it's the total opposite, i'm very VERY content, happy, and at peace. i dont get it.

and about being in love with him? i'm scared that i am...i really am. i mean, it's that too much? to love someone in just under a year? about ten months? isnt that too soon? and it's funny, the only one who i feel can explain this to me is him...ironic eh?

i dont know, i might ask dana, or caryl...or melissa. i'm scared. it confuses me so much i want to cry. the worst part is, i can never tell if he means it or not. he says he does with all his heart, he even said he'd ask me to marry him in the next 6 years, but that might have been a joke...but i cant tell if he means i love you b/c i'm so nervous...

but there's such a connection! i cant ignore that! even if it might be one sided, i've never been so content with just sitting next to someone and looking into their eyes...and just being content with sitting there with no words. just us. just us and nothing else. i'm scared. i dont want to be in love. at least not without knowing for sure if i'm loved back just as much.

and the difficulty that's in store if all this is true!!! with the age difference and all...but maybe the scarriest part is that he's not what i expected him to be...he's not the skater/rocker that comes to sweep me off my feet to loud concerts followed by silently laying on the lawn of some public building staring at the sky...who would laugh with me and listen to my rock records...maybe THAT'S it...he's not what i expected...and maybe that's what scares me the most...

3 confessions confess to your goddess

[12 Jan 2005|08:53pm]
i'm mad this woman on CSI killed her daughter, of 13 years of age, b/c she was "stealing her new man"....

the guy was picking her up from school b/c he didnt want any predators to get her...and the mom kills the daught over it...she's physco lol ppl like that should die
confess to your goddess

To John: [29 Dec 2004|01:05am]
hey there! this is my livejournal...dont be offended by anything here okay? okay!
love u babe!

confess to your goddess

[15 Dec 2004|04:55pm]
why is chrissy joining the air force? i thought we'd go to college together and hang out...why is is going to the air force! we use to talk about how it was insanity to join, but what kind of friend woul i be trying to talk my friend out of it? that would be self centered of me, wouldnt it?

god i dont want her to go away. bad enough with kenny, now with christine. i fucking hate the armed forces.
confess to your goddess

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