hello i might as well put in m livejournal the events of the past two days...
alright i'm not going to go into details, but monday me and gabriel anthony...
god i really dont want to mention this in my livejournal, but everyone who (i know) reads this already knows what has passed so let me just put it down.
me and gabriel did it monday. no going to go into major details. not gonna say whether he was great or good or sucked or whatever. i really am trying not to remember anything. it use to be i didnt remember AT ALL but after a few hours sleep it's starting to be able to come to me whenever i think about it. and i dont want that in my head at the time.
john wants to kill him and linda is going to pretend like it never happened. i want to take linda's approach, but right now am 100% with john on this matter. and i dont know why. i mean, from what (i dont want to to) remember, i didnt say no. although looking back i know if i would have thought it through i would have said no. no no a 1000 times no. and so on and so forth.
the whole matter happened that we were flirting alot and then we went to hang out in the basement, and then one thing led to another. and one thing led to another during a discussion of heartbreaks and what makes us fall in love. his eyes were just...it was like he wasnt there. at all. you couldnt see him in his eyes. we were talking and then i mentioned something he came down and kissed me. just out of the blue. and we sat there on the floor holding eachother's hands, fingers laced, and looking at eachother and both kissing and talking. i mean and after that, until when i woke up this morning, it was all a blur.
i told Gabriel about this. this gabriel is a friend of mine, and NOT the same one who i was with on minday. so to avoid confusion, this one is gonna have a M after his name, b/c his last name is Mato.
anyway i told a good portion of this to GabrielM, leaving out things that i didnt want to tell him just b/c he's that kind of guy. but i told him enough and he got the idea. he just looked at me and then began to rag on me saying "but how can you do it with him?" but somehow he just stopped after looking at me. i guess he could tell i felt bad about it so left me alone.
this was during 5th period gym class. the period before that was my lunch period. i was in the library with Maribeth, one of the only other ppl i told, when Gabriel walked in. i had been telling maribeth that i really didnt want to see him today, yesterday, whatever. anyway for the first 10 minutes or so i kept looking at the door, wishing that he wouldnt come in. after getting over that i calme down, and sat behind the library counter talking to maribeth as she shelved books and all. then, just to reassure myself this guy wasnt gonna come in, i saw him come in.
i reverted my eyes to the spot of desk in front of me, where i had john's book, Blue Nowhere, opened up. he didnt come over right away, but before he did, maribeth took her place in front of me, and smiled. she knew i didnt want to be alone when he came in and she stood there. good of her to do that.
anyway he had come, and almost lovingly, well it's not fair to say almost. he did lovingly put his arm around me and kissed me on the cheek. we exchanged a few words, which i wont share here, and he treated me as if i were, well not his girl. just treated me kinder and nicer. like i was an old chum or, well something more. he was reverant is what would be the most accurate way of saying it. he wasnt to touchy and he wasnt molesting me as he usually does. ^^; he was just nicer and gentler to me. and i like the change of pace but the cost was entirely too high.
Gabe and put in me a sense of security, false as it was, and the flaseness of it was pointed out to me when i talked to GabrielM. anyway, toward the end of gym i was feeling pretty bummy to say the least. so i went to this remote corner of the gym and watched GabrielM and them play volleyball. after a short while, gabrielM came and sat next to me. he was out of breathe and panting b/c of the little workout he had just endured, but he was able to pant out "i'm to tell you something and i'm going to try to make this short. on the count that i just finished playing this game over there and my asthma is gonna kick in."
i let him catch his breathe b/c i wonder what the hell he had to say to me. not only was i in a bummy mood, i felt pissy. anyway after a second gabrielM told me something that made me feel totally better. well not totally but worked alot better than plotting revenge or trying to deny the whole thing:
he sat there, this guy who says he doesnt give two shit about me, and says that i shouldnt feel ashamed or depressed about anything that happened between me and Gabe. he put it like this. he said to imagine john meeting my dad. and john is doing this after having a bad day. lets say something like him getting into an arguement over his nationality and/or religion. how they're both steriotypically tied together. while talking to my dad, my dad makes some comment about the same topic that john had not to long ago got into a very heated arguement over. according to gabrielM, and just common sense, john would get very uppity, if not utterly and totally upset about it.
now it's not b/c of what my dad said that john would be angry at my dad, it would be b/c of the previous engagement that had set john up to be especially and abnormally hostile toward comments or jokes of this nature.
now yes this is going somewhere, just wait for it.
the way GabrielM saw it was that was what happened between me and the other Gabriel. the topic of conversation was touching on a raw nerve that Gabriel had. the topic of loss and love and how you could still love someone but how painful it was to let go. and whether i knew it or not, the same thing was happening with me. to make things short. emotions were brought up and otherwise wouldnt have been normally brought up. and sometimes, these emotions are so powerful, that you wind up doing things that you otherwise, your normal self wouldnt do. like john wouldnt (i imagine) in a normal setting under normal conditions snap at my dad; me and Gabe wouldnt have done what we did.
GabrielM wasnt holding anyone accountable. which makes sense the more i think about it. b/c Gabe, after it was done, seemed as quiet as i was and still sorta am. it was in a setting and within conditions that wouldnt have normally happened. that impossiblity that people always mention? "oh i'd never do so-and-so, and he'd never do me. the circumstances would never be right." well guess what, they were. and it happened. and (according to GabeM) i cant go around blaming myself, OR him, for what happened. it's in the past and that's where its going to stay. it was a slim to none event that turned out to be slim instead of none. the best thing to do was to take it in strides. just be thankful that gabe wasnt the kind of person to go around the school bragging.
i didnt think Mato gave a shit about me. but turns out that he's not such a bad guy at all. he's there when i need him and that's what counts. over and out.